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. >> it looked like romney wanted to be there and president obama didn't want to be there. >> stephen: yes! it was like obama wasn't even there. he hasn't done this poorly since he debated clint eastwood. (laughter) meanwhile-- (cheers and applause) meanwhile, romney was the alpha mitt, slapping obama around. and, anyone else who got in mitt away. >> i'm sorry, jim, i'm going to stop the subsidy to pbs. i will stop other things. i like pbs. i like big bird, i actually like you too. but i'm not going to keep on spending money for things to borrow from china to pay for it. >> stephen: he just told the moderator who works at pbs, i'm going to throw your ass out on the street, old man! you-- (cheers and applause) you, not only you-- but all those freeloading muppets. that takes not just one ball, but two, two enormous balls! (applause) but, folks, as much as i enjoyed the triumph of the willard, what i loved most was the heartwarming pant crapping over at msnbc. >> i was disappointed in the president. i thought he was off his game. i was absolutely stunned tonight. >> there wasn't, i don't thi
. (laughter) as you remember, folks, the first debate was a blowout win for romney. the second debate-- also happened. (laughter) so let's get the truth of night three in "stephen colbert's debate 2012 coverage." two men, one wheel. who gets to drive us over the cliff? (laughter) (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) these people are huge fans of buick. (laughter) i was so excited because last night was officially the foreign policy debate. unfortunately-- and i do not know this-- that means you have to talk about a lot of other stupid countries. (laughter) and this being boca raton, florida, they hit all the important ones. >> israel is a true friend, it is our greatest ally in the region. >> israel. our closest friend in the region. >> they have to abide by their treaty with israel. >> our ally israel. >> our bond w israel. >> israel. >> israel. >> israel. >> israel. >> israel. >> israel. (laughter) >> stephen: i was playing a drinking game last night where i took a shot of manischewitz every time -- (cheers and applause) every time someone said "israel" and by the end of the debate
romney at the very end made a play for, but the amish don't play that. good news from mitt romney he has won tonight making announcements right now most of the confederacy. he's the winner there. a lot of the electoral votes. michigan, 15 electoral votes it's mitt romney's, one of mitt romney's home states. most presings reporting, we're going to call that for barack obama. [crowd cheering] it's a shame that that car pulled out right by that. we've got an interesting senate race to report. there's a lot of attention on this race in massachusetts. there was a yuk ma young man nad scott brown versus a gentlewoman named elizabeth warren, she has won the senate race. [crowd cheering] oh. going overboard buy his own tea partyers. right now the big state we're looking at is ohio because it's really the only state we've ever been looking at. and florida is, and again we are live so i don't know if this is okay, but florida is tonight a guy i gigantic bubble. that's two close to call and ohio too close to call. we're obviously looking at cuba where cubans go to live and jews go to die. we'll be
, let me ask you something, everybody see that debate last night? butn't that great? i mean, romney clearly won. and, folks, i am not just saying that, i am saying that on tv. so if you're an undecided voter who did not watch, just trust me, it is 2 and 0. even though, even though, folks, the night was clearly stacked against mitt. after that first debate debacle, barack obama had definitely won the low expectations game. >> for obama the bar is rather low, compared to the first debate all he has to do is string a few sentences together, coherently to make eye contact with a single extentient human and show the slightest animation in his face. >> colbert: charles kraut hammer is right, low bar, obama's last debate performance was so bad .. that bar was set at charles kraut hammer. >> now, mitt, on the other hand, mitt, mitt romney, much greater challenge. >> we are told that they have practiced to such a level of detail that he even was preparing how he sits and there is a good reason for that. he is going to be sitting on a bar stool and mitt romney is a mormon, so he doesn't spend
>> the president was elected on the basis that he was not romney and romney was a poofy-head >> i'm not sure that's captioning sponsored by comedy c is snupt tonight, do government officials make good role models for our kids? well, they don't make good role models for our adults. (laughter) and my guest, former speaker newt gingrich has a new novel about george washington. i cannot tell a lie-- i have not read it. (laughter) duke university has developed a working invisibility cloak. now the blue devils quiddich team will be unstoppable! (laughter) this is the "the colbert report"! (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) (audience chanting "stephen") thank you, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the "report." chausz (cheers and applause) thank you, thank you so much for joining us. please, nation, we have a big show tonight. my guest is none other than former presidential candidate and current moon governor newt gingrich. (laughter) two titans of south carolina politics going head to head. but who can forget when gingrich swept th
clinton stacking up against tag romney? (laughter) more importantly, will tag be able to ward off a last-ditch challenge by mitt romney? (laughter) oh, he's running. and as america's premier news reader, it's my duty to stay way way ahead of these races. that's why tonight i am proud to launch my coverage of election: 2072, race to the white or. (cheers and applause) brought to you by virtual olive garden. (laughter) when you're technically not here you're family. (laughter) now, so far, in 2072 looks like it's going to be a matchup between robocheney versus a swarm of sentient nano hornets. those nano hornets are going to be tough to beat, folks, because i hear this weekend they were swarming an iowa pancake breakfast. (laughter) and like my colleagues all across cable news, i will stay on this story before it ever happens. (laughter) now, folks, the if i pass judgment like i passed kidney stones it's going to hurt like hell and you'll be walking funny. this is tip of the hat, wag of the finger. (cheers and applause) first up, folks, happy duali which i'm sure i don't have to tell you i
. anything can happen. romney could win, obama could win, and that's it. those two. but it could be a very long night and we will be live for as long as it takes, as long as it takes is the next half hour. you got to be done before the election special, which is a video of a go getting nailed in the crotch by a pumpkin. ( laughter ) that was called an october surprise. i'm being handed a piece of paper, and it is a napkin. this is blank. no wait, it's, wait, it is a tear stained napkin. this is a napkin soaked with liberal tears. that can mean only one thing. ladies and gentlemen, the colbert report is ready to project that cnn has projected that animal planet has predicted that the winner of the 2012 presidential election is barack obama. ( crowd cheering ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: yes, ladies and gentlemen. yes, thank you, ladies and gentlemen. i did read that well. america has elected its first black president for an historic first second time. ( laughter ) of course obama... of course let's remember, obama is only half black. it is possible in his second term, he will be whi
hampshire, colorado, ohio, wisconsin and eye watch. let me show you the mitt romney schedule. he's trying to go into pennsylvania. it's florida, it's virginia, it's new hampshire. >> stephen: so if you live in one of these states, "the colbert report" is now issuing a severe candidate warning. be prepared with fresh water and flashlights and please, if you have a single working class female suburban undecided vote never your home, cover her with plywood. or she could just get sukd up into a vortex of pandering. now folks, over a year ago i promised to make you a player in this election thanks to colbert super pac. you know our motto, making a better tomorrow -- >> tomorrow! >> stephen: i remember when i came up with that slogan. seems just like yesterday, yesterday. if are you looking for a little proof of just how influential we have been in this election, well, listen mitt romney today. giving his closing arguments. >> your work is making a difference. the people of the world are watching. the people of america are watching. we could begin a better tomorrow tomorrow. >> stephen: he used
: tonight new york after sandy. welcome to the city that never showers. (laughter) then mitt romney scores an unlikely endorsement, mitt romney from two months ago. and my guest david byrne and st. vincent have a new album called love this giant. it's a fan letter to chris christie. a new report says that paul ryan likes to shoot deer with handguns. and when he finds out who leaked that to the media that deer is going to get it. this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcomed to report, everybody! thank you, ladies and gentlemen. stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen slarm stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) nation, thank you so much. i am so happy you're all here with me in the wake of hurricane sandy. countedless people are still struggling. and before we go on i would like to address the millions in the tristate area without power. and i'm going to talk a little louder right now because i know their tvs aren't working. (laughter) power challenged nat
of mitt romney's positions. [ laughter ] and my guest, chrystia freeland, says the wealthy are leaving the rest of the world behind. yeah. that's kinda the point. [ laughter ] scientists have found a turtle that pees through its mouth. or has a penis that looks like a face. [ laughter ] this is "the colbert report." [ captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) holy cow. wow. [cheers and applause] ladies and gentlemen, unbelievable. you will not believe -- [crowd chanting stephen] oh, my gosh. thank you. [cheers and applause] welcome to the report, thank you for joining us. i don't -- folks -- i don't know if can tell with a just happened but i just got buried underneath an avalanche of love. [cheers and applause] a love-alanch, will you will. nation, tonight was the big vice presidential debate between joe biden and paul ryan in danville, kentucky. the whoop-ass in the blue grass, the bare-knucky in kentucky. [ laughter ] now, i haven't seen it yet. nor will i ever. it's a vice presidential debate. [ laughter ] but for the record, i'm betting
moment of zen. >> i'm tired of bronco bama and mitt romney! >> that's why you're crying? oh, it will be over soon, abby. the election will be over soon, captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the "report"! (audience chanting "stephen") thank you, ladies and gentlemen, good to have you with us! please, everybody, please. good to have you with us and, folks, it is good to be back. first of all i'm okay. (laughter) how's everybody here? everybody okay? (cheers and applause) full disclosure: this isn't actually my audience. we're actually one ago shelter tonight. (laughter) most of these people are just here to recharge their iphones. (cheers and applause) and to take a bum shower in the bathroom sink. (laughter) little gamey. because we have all come through one hell of a storm, folks. of course, our thoughts and prayers are with the 60 million americans throughout 20 states who have been hit by hurricane sandy. this record surge has devastated communities from north carolina to maine. 62 people at least have
on tips of the wiz el, throughout the election pundits have wondered whether mitt romney's faith could hurt his chances. >> we know from extensive polling as well as an deck-- anecdotally and culturally that evangelical does do not favor a mormon candidate. >> for a lot of evangelical christians, they didn't consider mormonism even christianity. >> stephen: of course, how can it be christianity if it is not televised with an 800 number. so to countser this problem, romney has appealed to the reverend billy graham, an evangelical titan and religious advisor to 12 presidents. one more and he gets a free foot long in heaven. but folks there is a catch. billy graham's own web site lists mormonism as a cult along with jehovah witness, scientologist and unitarians. oh yes, the dang just-- dangerous cult of unitarianism, their rules are so loose that their tle sacred fixes are the old testament, the new testament and free to be you and me. (applause) so ladies and gentlemen, a miracle has occurred for mitt. because with god all things are deletable. >> a meeting with mitt romney seems to have
arrogant! ( laughter ) i bet you anything you never hear mitt romney say those words. ( laughter ) folks-- ( cheering ) the rest of-- mitt romney. all right. romney fans. we are packed with romney fans tonight. ( laughter ) folks, the rest of the speech was just progressive collectivist dogma. it was like he was saying the country belongs to all of us. i mean, just listen to these liberal pie-in-the-sky dreams. >> we believe that when a c.e.o. pays his auto workers enough to buy the cars that they build, the whole company does better. >> stephen: oh, sure. and every worker at boeing should be paid enough to afford a 747. ( laughter ) oh, oh, oh,-- and why you're at it why not pay every mcdonald's cashier enough to buy a burger. you're living in a fantasy world. ( cheers and applause ). then, as if his policy failures were not enough, folks, he started blaming other people for them. >> my fellow citizens, you were the change. you're the reason a young immigrant who grew up here and went to school here and pledged allegiance to our flag will no longer be deported from the only country s
a region's supply of ts and hs. (laughter) and folks, i'm afraid that this new storm could hurt romney's momentum. (laughter) i mean-- wheers plaus it could slow him down. i mean he already lost the election that can't help. but of course florida is still being counted. so folks i got to till, i am still hanging in there and i'm checking for updates on the campaign's i'm with mitt app. okay. it still works. and it lets you take photos with little messages that show your support for mitt romney. i tweeted this one today. (laughter) i'm with mitt. then later i tweeted i'm stand being mitt. and eventually i'm in the fetal position with mitt. but ultimately, folks this election only matters so much. real change comes from private citizens making a difference in their local communities. the woman who runs the soup kitchen. teens who clean up a vacant lot. the guy who fishes golf balls out of the pond and sells them back to you at half price. thank you for your service. and every so often we celebrate those heroes on my show. and in a segment we call difference makers. (cheers and applause)
romney has been forced to suspend his campaign! that's why he scrapped his victory rally in kettering, ohio and instead appeared at a completely different the same spot -- (laughter) -- with the same people and called it a storm relief rally. which is so comforting for all those living on ohio's hard-hit atlantic coast. (laughter) (applause) now, at the storm relief not-campaign event, mitt aired a biographical video that was part of the republican national convention and the press badges called it a victory rally. but he was clearly there for the canned goods. >> we're going to box these things up in just a minute and put them on some trucks and we're going to send them into uh uh -- i think it's new jersey. (audience reacts) >> stephen: boy, that really warms my uh -- uh -- i think it's my heart? (applause) and, folks, it's not -- one of those organs. just one of them. folks, it's not just the hurricane that's hurting romney here. he has to deal with another threat that can be seen from space, chris christie. (laughter) now, as i said earlier -- as i said earlier, he has done a grea
? romney won all that red stuff. why don't we elect our president on square footage, because romney won some big states, folks, whole damn south. louisiana, n'awlins loves mi-rawmnah. but, but, evidently, here's the deal. of the nine key swing states, balm won eight. i don't-- i mean how-- even pennsylvania. despite the fact that after a week of hurricane sandy, thousands of amish remain without power. ( applause ) anyway, anyway, obama won. america is done. it's over! jimmy, roll the credits. ♪ ♪ ( "america the beautiful beauti) ( cheers and applause ) i'll tell you, folks, there's a simple reason why america is over. because last night's election wasn't decided by real americans. >> it's a changing country. the demographics are changing. it's not a traditional america anymore. and there are 50% of the voting public who want stuff. ( laughter ) they want things. and who is going to give them things? president obama. the white establishment is now the minority. >> stephen: yes, traditional america is no more, okay. that's all american traditions. no more trick-or-treating. no more
a for example. mitt romney, you might remember him. >> stephen: mitt romney! >> your favorite! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: bless his name! the it was right there. it was on the back of my head. i couldn't remember that guy. yeah, i remember that dude. what happened to that dude? >> he floated the idea of a deduction tax at $50,000. now, if you have a deduction tax that's that high, you're going to hit very high earners but raise a ton of revenue. you're going to raise $800 billion over ten years which is exactly what president obama had asked for and agreed to with speaker boehner back in 2011. now president obama is saying he want mrs. revenue. he wants $1.6 trillion. but that's big progress and you don't have to raise the top rate to get there. >> stephen: okay, what happens next? do we go over the cliff? does this happen before the cliff or after the cliff? or do we make the deal as we're plunging towards the red sox. >> if we go over the cliff then suddenly grover norquist's pledge becomes inoperative. >> oh! so he's powerless. it's like someone guessed his name and sent him
moment of zen >> the president was elected on the basis that he was not romney and romney was a poofy-head >> i'm not sure that's captioning sponsored by comedy c captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) whooo! whooo! yes, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the report. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, thank you. i could fly higher than an eagle for you are the wind beneath my wings. nation this has been a tough few weeks for america. first hurricane sandy ravaged the east coast. then obama was re-elected. do you know he is coming for our guns. how will we fight the next hurricane? (laughter) well, on friday, folks, our nation was dealt yet another blow. >> out of nowhere cia director david petraeus resigned after admitting he cheated on his wife. the other woman the person who wrote his biography, paula broadwell. >> stephen: their, he had an affair with his biographer, all-in, it appears-- it a pores that the title
of talk about afghanistan. >> no. >> stephen: besides the fact that romney didn't even mention it in in his convention speech. both men in the debate said we're going to be out of there by 2014. >> not completely accurate by the way. >> stephen: oh, really. how fast would you get out? >> i was happy to leave. but we're going to withdraw the combat troops by 2014. but we're going to have special forces troops there for a long time and just judging by what i saw in terms of-- . >> stephen: aren't special forces combat troops? >> one would think but not technically. technically-- sses technically they're going to be teaching arts and crafts? what are they going to be be doing, macrame. >> they'll be doing counterterrorist missions so it will be different, not combat but counterterrorism. they will go after the strongholds of insurgents that could pose a threat theoretically teert afghan government or the u.s.. >> stephen: i don't know if those guys are watching homeland but if you are's going after terrorist you need a well charged cell phone. well, jake, thank you so much for joi
Search Results 0 to 49 of about 56 (some duplicates have been removed)